PCOS - Day 2??

Yesterday was quite frustrating, and obviously didn't go as planned. I got a call from the doctor's office saying that my blood work from Tuesday was inconclusive for PCOS. So today I'm up bright & early so that I can go take a glucose test. Technically labeled as "Insulin Resistance Panel."

When I called to schedule, I asked quite a few questions because when I was pregnant & had to drink those nasty things, I passed with flying colors. Which is odd considering I was the size of a house for both pregnancies & had "DIABETIC" written all over me.... But yet, I wasn't. So I didn't want to waste the lab & my time over a test I knew wouldn't help. Well, apparently, this is slightly different. I will have fasted for 14 hours (you know how when you have to fast & you aren't hungry, but knowing you can't have food MAKES YOU FEEL hungry....yeah....). They'll take my blood right when I get there, & then after I chug they'll take it every 1/2 hr. Not only to see how I handle the glucose, but also what happens insulin-wise within my body (insulin being the PCOS factor). The lab tech assured me this was different.

So when Dan woke up today at 4am, of course my eyes popped open too (even though my alarm was set for 5:15).  Too much on my mind right now between Jig's Schoolhouse Rock and my medical stuff.  At least we're done with the older kids' registrations, and now need to get through the rest of the week.  Tomorrow (Friday) I have an internal & external sonogram - to make sure it's NOT my gallbladder and to see if I have any cysts on my ovaries.

However, there is some "better" news...I learned a bit more in my research yesterday. That PCOS suffers don't necessarily eat like a diabetic - more of a low glycemic type of diet.  So I'm trying to learn more about that (think: South Beach Diet).

Well, that's the update now. Hopefully, there will be more news tomorrow.

PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome - Day 1

Today is my first day living the PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) lifestyle.

WHAT IS POLYCYSTIC OVARIAN SYNDROME?
Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is an endocrine (hormonal) disorder. 

I tried to find a good definition for it, but it's all over the board.  Some women just have symptoms, but no cysts on their ovaries, and some women have cysts with no other symptoms.  But it's ALL over the internet with a TON of information. 

DISCLAIMER:  At this point, I am not TECHNICALLY diagnosed with PCOS.

Yesterday I went into a new GP Doctor for issues that I thought might have to be with my gallbladder.  However, being a new doc, he was very good asking me questions about EVERYTHING - all aspects of my life, my family history, etc.  Here are the indicators that he (we) believe I have that point to PCOS:

- my mother had a history of ovarian cysts
- my father (and other family members) have diabetes related to weight
- we believe that I have a cyst near my right ovary (which marked the pain in my side, making us think "gallbladder")
- I have fought with my weight ALL my life.  Even though my usual "diet" is healthy, full of fruits, veggies, low-fat, etc.  I drink non-fat milk, I eat low-fat foods, try to get them low-sugar when I can without using stuff like aspartame and other artificial "sugars."  I DO drink pop, but have really cut down over the years and I drink a ton of water a day.
- I exercise 2-5 times a week (usually depending on work schedule & kids' schedule)
- I have a few "stubborn hairs" on my face that I have to pluck, wax, whatever (thought that was normal...and it is for women of MENOPAUSE! I'm in my 30's.....)
- no matter how "good" I am with my diet and exercise, I have never been able to lose a significant amount of weight.  Except....
- the ONE time I lost a decent amount of weight was when I was on the Atkins (i.e. protein, low-carb) diet.  I did it as a "diet," not a "lifestyle" and so that make sense that all the weight (plus some) would come piling back on....  But it was the ONE diet that WORKED.  But of course!

So my new doc did a bunch of blood work (currently waiting for results) and I have an internal and external sonogram scheduled for tomorrow morning before work.

How do I KNOW (or think I KNOW) I have this?  Other than the indicators above, do you know when you just KNOW?!?  That, and God put a friend in my life yesterday just at the right place, right time.  My friend K* came over to cut my son's hair.  Per usual, we were catching up with each others' lives and I told her about my dr. appointment earlier in the day.  She said: "oh yeah, I have PCOS.  I totally know what you're going through."  That was a God-moment.  I knew that God allowed K to come over THAT day, THAT time (I wasn't supposed to be there when she was cutting my son's hair and had already written a check for her).  I picked her brain, along with all the information I got online and just kept nodding my head.... "uh huh, that's me.  Uh huh....yep."  She told me about her treatments (which her doc took the hormone angle because she and her husband at the time were trying to have kids), and told me what my treatment might look be like (which corresponded to what the dr had eluded to).

So...what am I going to do differently today?  First, I'm going to make sure my carbohydrates are eaten in the morning, and try to track how many I'm consuming.  I'm not really a meat-eater...*sigh* which is one of the reasons why Atkins wasn't a lifestyle change for me.  But I CAN reduce/eliminate carbs, beef up my fruits & veggies (good carbs because they have fiber), and add more of the protein I DO enjoy - eggs, sausage, taco salads, etc.

I don't know what my diet will look like after I get put on medication to help with my "back up" of insulin, but I'm a proactive person, and feel like I need to do something NOW.

...to be continued...

* Names removed to protect the innocent.

The long weekend is never long enough...

Wow, some great lessons learned over the last 7 days....

Last week was super crazy!  My class this year had a final "end of the year" trip planned to Triple Play - an indoor water park, arcade, mini golf, etc. to celebrate the end of the year.  Well, since our year wrapped up early, it was more like a "class reunion" rather than end of the year celebration! 

However, I gave myself "permission" to just have fun - ie have any/all junk food I wanted.  BIG MISTAKE!  Frankly, I didn't each MUCH, but what I did were bad choices (and all my old "vices"): soda, a bit of candy, fritos with chilli & cheese, etc., etc.  OH MY GOSH!  I paid for that for TWO DAYS while it all worked out of my system.  That was on Thursday, and I noticed on my run on Sunday I was STILL paying for it (sluggish, out of breath, etc.).  Won't do that again - PROMISE!

Yesterday was Memorial Day, and we hummed and hahed about what to do.  Dan really wanted to finish the other side of the garage roof (we already repaired the side that had the leak).  And I know that he really wanted to just say "IT'S DONE!" but his family really wanted him to head up past Grangeville (as per Kinnick Memorial tradition) for "day camping."  The rest of the Kinnick clan actually CAMPS, but since my dear hubby works all weekend, we only go up and "day camp" on Monday.

So we did....

It was great to get away, exhausting because of the great mountain air, sunshine and as with any family gathering, emotional overload.  (Everything from the kids acting up to being compared to the ex wife.)  But once the kids settled down, shot a few rounds (yes, I do mean bullets) and everyone roasted a few weenies, it was good.

Although I had to admit, once I got the camp fire smell showered off (I do love that smell), and layed in bed, I had a few tears flowing from my eyes.  (I've perfected the art of silent crying, as to not disturb my hubby with my emotional overload.)  The comments - although forgiven - hurt.  I wanted to shoot the gun too, but then didn't want it to be a competition (like everything else turns in to) because I'm a beginner and suck at shooting.  (I'm right handed, and want to shoot right handed with my left eye...which is WRONG.)  I'm used to being good at the things I do.  I don't mind being "bad" at shooting - I know I need to learn and practice, but I don't want the jeers of competition while I'm doing it....

And then hubby mentions taking the kids camping this summer because he knows I have to work.... THAT hurt.  More than the ex-comparison, more than anything else.  I don't want to keep my family from having a fun time, but I want to be there too.  There's no "right answer" to this solution.  And oh - by the way..... that's some thing that also happened with the ex a lot - Dan and the kids would go camping a lot without her because she (frankly) didn't like camping and was "too busy" to go.   I LIKE camping and I HAVE to work since I make a piddly income.  What to do???

Is it almost done???

Yes, yes, today is the "official' last day of our school year because it's been an INSANE year!  Going from our school building (which was sold underneath us) to my boss' house has been an incredible struggle this week.  Not only that, but each and every day my kids get more "Summeritius."  (I think this is a serious yearly disease that needs to truly be studied!!!)  Let's just say it's truly been a challenge this week...

And I think that God is truly opening a door and closing another....

This next week I'm supposed to be helping out my boss with her new "venture" with her inhome daycare.  This is because originally, our school year was supposed to go through June 5th.  However, I have found that a local school district is in frantic need of substitutes!  Although this probably means I won't get my FULL "contract" pay from my private teaching job, I will be DONE with that adventure (a relief in itself) and possibly not only earn a few $$ from subbing, but possibly get my foot in the door to that school district as well.  (Which would be a relief knowing that I have a "real" teaching job this fall.  "Plan B" for fall right now is to sub around in all the area schools - there are 4 local districts that I have to choose from.)

My first prayer is that God shows me His will.  I know first hand the frustration of having a "plan" and thinking..."Is this not happening because of something I'm doing?  Or is it just not HIS WILL?"  And I know that God's Will for me is certainly better for me in the end.  I might have some trials and tribulations (like this past school year), but undoubtedly, I will come out a better person because of it.

So, if you're a person of prayer, please keep me in your prayers.  I certainly don't want to overload myself again (as I'm famous for doing), but I also want to just get myself to a point where I have A (ONE, SINGULAR) job, and it's providing what we need financially for our budget.  Is that really too much to ask????

Continuing the craziness...

Well, if last week was the crazy week from hell, this is probably the continuation of that week, just a different location.

So "technically" speaking, as of last Friday, we lost our building to our school and daycare that I work for.  We shortened up the school year to end on the 24th (end of May before Memorial weekend) and had a goal to finish it out at my boss' house.

That's my 6 students.
That's with her 7 students.
AND 7 day care kids....3 under the age of 1.

Well, as expected, Monday was complete chaos.  Not only was the new location a huge issue, but my boss has a decent sized house, but there were just TOO MANY BODIES!  So my class meets outside until lunch time.  At that point, we have no more shade out back, we've been outside for WAY too long (we're exhausted) and the heat just starts to get to us.

Fortunately, the rest of the week is supposed to be cooler.  However, we've hit a high of 94 degrees on Tuesday. :-/  No matter how much sunscreen-lubbing up we're doing, there's always SOMEONE who gets too much sun.  I, myself have quite the tan going on...not that it's my goal.  But you know that when you use sunscreen SPF 55 for your "moisturizer" first thing out of the shower, you know you're going to get touched by the sun!  (And yes, I keep re-applying.)

By noon school is "done."  Not because we're so good at staying on task, but because they're spent.  After lunch we do a bit of "reading buddies" with the younger ones and then by 1:00, they're DONE.  A lot of water play has been happening, and then for the most part, I'm recess duty until 3:15 when I BUST outta there.

It's crazy.

Well, we've now shortened up the "year" to end Friday - yes, thank GOD tomorrow!  And I will continue to come in next week in the mornings to help her out with the daycare kids because I still want to be paid through my contract and NEED that income.

In the meantime, what does this mean for my health?  sheesh...

I'm exhausted, so I'm going to bed early, still waking up early. No "real" exercise except on the weekends (however, I'm still "active" outside with the kids - moreso now than ever).  I'm still eating well, but by noon I'm having my Shakeology for lunch and minimal for dinner.  When I get overheated, I just can NOT eat.  Fruit or carrots are my snacks, so that's good, and drinking water and iced tea like CRAZY!

To add more "craziness" to it all, I'm working with my son's Parent Group for football, and I'm in charge of the Football program this year.  I took it on ONLY because I thought this would be a "summer project." HA!  The "summer project" is already in full swing!  Gathering advertisements, calling for bids (for printing), etc., etc.  OI!  What did I get myself into? 

Just really excited for Memorial Day weekend - the "signal" that I get my life BACK!

Until next time...

Crazy week from you-know-where

Well, I have to admit, I'm sliding off the wagon, and it's a slippery slope.

It's funny, because like with most issues, you never INTEND to slip off the wagon. 
You never INTEND to go to bad habits.
You never INTEND to undo all your hard work.

But unless you're consciously aware, you can undo it all and not only be back to square one, but starting back in the place even worse than before.

What's going on?  Stress in the worst, worst way.

- First, this week is "Luau" week.  It's SUPPOSED to be an end-of-the-year fundraiser that my private school puts on to get ready for scholarships for the next year, and supplies for the next year as well as the daycare that my boss owns.  Since our building has been bought out from under us and we're forced to be out by the end of next week, and the so-said boss is not good at business dealings, it's the "oh-crap-cover-my-bills" fundraiser.  I know my last 4 checks are coming from this fundraiser.  So whereas I don't truly support the reason why it is (to cover her debt), I have a vested interest in it's success.

Because it's crazy luau week, my boss has had all kinds of special requests for my kids to create things to sell at the silent auction at this event, and I have a BIG problem with the fact that these projects take presidence over education.  But I do what I'm told.

- Meanwhile, while the parents of the daycare kids are pulling their children, as they should.  It's sad to see some of those little faces leave.  I know that I haven't been their main "teacher" in the daycare, but they are sweet, and I will miss them.  However, some of them (seven to be precise) will be "following" us to the new location of my boss' house when school resumes in her home.  We have 9 days to finish out in her home.  Her husband will be working graveyard (meaning: we need to be quiet) with 18 students and 7 daycare kids (3 of them under the age of 1).  HOW IN GOD'S NAME IS THAT GOING TO HAPPEN?  I know that those 9 days I will be more of a "daycare person" than a "teacher."  And it really bothers me.

- Ok, remember that it's Luau week?  We have Friday off (to set up for it).  Guess what, I won tickets to go see Mark Gungor (Christian Marriage seminar person, author of "Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage") in Tri-Cities!  Guess what weekend....??? Yep, Luau weekend.  So on Friday (today), I'm heading out of town instead of setting up.  Yes, I'm in "trouble" for it.  But I don't get paid to work the Luau, and I certainly don't get paid to set up for it, and my marriage is more important than the Luau.  We're still newlyweds setting the foundation of our life-long covenant, and it's more important.  HOWEVER - YES - I'm going to be able to be back to "work" the Luau.  No...I'm not winning brownie points by not setting up...

- Speaking of the Mark Gungor series, the reason why I won tickets in Tri-Cities (instead of the CLOSER Spokane seminar) is because my family is located in TC.  And whenever we can, we try to go to TC and catch up with them.  We usually try to stay with a family member as well - not only to save us on $$ for a hotel, but so we can spend the added time with family.  I tried to set it up to stay the night with my dad, and without getting into too much of the issues, I was basically told that if I come, not to involve him. 

I was accused of being a bad mom (for leaving my children for 24 hours).  NOT because they can't handle themselves (one is staying with family friends, and the other is 16).  But because I desired to attend a MARRIAGE seminar and spend 24 hrs. with my hubby SOLO - without children.  (Children.....at a marriage seminar???)  Plus, to come with us, I'd have to pull them out of school early - another household no-no.  So I'm deemed a "bad mom."  Uninvolved mom.  Same mom that went to a Varsity football meeting (for next season) and is heading up 2 key committees...yep...BAD MOM.

However I KNOW the "allegations" are NOT true, it still hurts.

This is my father of my childhood - quick to judge, even if he's the pot calling kettle black.  Time and time again, I've forgiven (even without apologies) primarily for the sake of my children, but the hurt is hard to forget.  This is a final straw.  In time, I will continue to forgive, but I will lessen contact even more to prevent the continuous verbal onslaught.  The sadness is that he continues to live in my mom's house (my mom passed away 2 1/2 yrs ago), and I know in his continued grief, he has yet to allow any other family member to have any of her things - they are all still horded away in the house.  *sigh*  But it's just stuff.

So that's my stress, and the week is yet over.  My husband and I are excited about getting away, even if it's only for 24 short hours, and spend some needed 1-on-1 time together.  Hopefully, it will all be worth the stress!

Day 25 & 26A - Friday & Saturday (10k)

FRIDAY

Although I was off of work on Friday (from teaching), I had to work at the bible bookstore.  And I got myself in a pickle because I wanted to work out AND get a half a dozen things done before I went in.  Well, of course you can't have your cake & eat it too.  So I only got a bit of a treadmill run in, but that was probably best right before the 10k.

Workout:
Treadmill: 41 min., 399 calories

SATURDAY

I was a bit nervous for this 10k.  It's been a LONG time since I did an official 10k, and the most mileage I've done lately has been right around 5-ish.  (10k = 6.2 miles.) 

It was a really good run for the first half, and I felt REALLY good.  But the run map was deceiving, and we spent most of it on the Lewiston side (in the direct sun - eesh) = HOT!  I could tell that I've only been running around 5 miles, because my motor was running out of energy around mile 5, but I kept pushing on, knowing I was really near the end.  I KNOW that last mile was my longest time, but my average pace was 11:34.  That's MUCH faster than my last 10k pace of 12:08!  I've MUCH improved!


Before the race - PERFECT weather! Cool, but sunny!


As I passed by "bigger" people, I thought about how I'm SO glad that I'm not there anymore - but I USED to be! 
So I'd encourage them on - usually by saying "keep going!" "You can do it!" "One foot in front of the other!" And hopefully someday they too will continue to PR their walking times, and go from walking to jogging, and jogging to running.

And I reflected about how much I have changed over time - when I started "waddling" back in 2009.  In 3 years I have gone up and down in weight, but I'm getting STRONGER and FASTER! I've always been STRONG, but NEVER "fast."  But getting FASTER means I'm improving, and that's the point.



At the finish line - took this pic a few seconds after I actually had gone through.
MY TIME: 1:11:42





How we were getting back to Clarkston for our cars: by boat!




5K PR as well! 34:50
10K PR: 1:11:42




My post-race photo: bib, shirt, shoes & times.



Day 22, 23 & 24A - Tues, Wed & Thurs.

Well, I'd love to say that everything has been "normal" around our place, but that's true, yet not.  (Full of oxy-morons, aren't I?)

In the past couple days we've had a ton more drama at Job #1/#3.  The building where the school & daycare are located has been sold out from underneath us.  Like with everything else, of course it's good and bad news. The good news is that my boss doesn't have to deal with the jerk who USED to own it.  (Long story.) Bad news is it was sold to another daycare in the area, and they want to make it their new school - age facility..... BEFORE summer.  Oi!  My boss is pretty good friends with the new building owner, and before they can move in and make renovations it's needs to be licenced for the new business, etc.  Our biggest concern is....can we finish school in our building?  I'm thinking NO.  So we may have to finish it up at my boss' house; which will be a bit of a squeeze.  (I have 6 students, she has 10.)  And of course there's the daycare side of it all.  The staff is panicking for their jobs, and parents are upset (where will they be taking their child?  How long do they have to find a new place?)  Lots of questions, and not a lot of answers right now.

Of course this is killing my sleep patterns.  I finally buckled down and had to take BENADRYL (of all things) to get to sleep last night (Wednesday night).  FINALLY I feel well rested!  On top of it all, we've been having a crazy summer-like heat wave, and of course the AC is not working in my classroom OR my car (making me quite cranky when you add the lack of sleep in there).  Luckily this morning I woke up to rain! YAY! I'm hoping we get more answers today.

Workout:
Treadmill: 40 min, 390 calories

I still have my 10k this weekend, and I'm glad the heat wave broke because it's supposed to start at 10am - I would have died.  It's been around 78 degrees + by 10 am!  Whew!

Days 20 & 21A - Holy Hot Sunday & Monday!

Good thing I got out early on Sunday - it was a scorcher!  It went from spring to SUMMER!  Some would say that's good, but I don't do well in the heat....AT ALL. :-(

Workout:
Bridge to bridge (plus some): 5.12 miles, 1 hr, 681 calories (getting a bit faster!!!)

*************************************
Monday was my usual day off.  I'm not sleeping well (heat on top of my normal lack of sleeping well), and my classroom is a SAUNA!  I may not be working out, but I'm certainly SWEATING! 

The best news of the day: I won two tickets (actually FOUR) to Mark Gungor!  He's known for "Laugh your way to a better Marriage."  I won 2 tickets to this weekend in Spokane, and then I realized that there's NO way I could go (I've got that 10k, working at the bible bookstore, and Dan has a lot of people off at his work right now).  So I quickly put in for the other contest location - in Tri-Cities and WON BOTH!  I gave this weekend's tickets to my friend Sally, and next weekend hubby & I were both able to get off.  We're going to see Mark Gungor! :)

http://www.laughyourway.com/events/

Day 19A - Saturday

Today I was just MOM.  I slept in a bit, and then headed out to my daughter's last soccer game. :-(  They got wallopped, but she had a good time, and is so sad to see the season end.  I'm sad to see it end because I only got to see 1 game (because of work).  Next year...1 job only, baby!

My baby girl playing what she loves! :)

I got to take her to their team's party, and then I had to go to work.  :-(  It was fun being "just mom" while it lasted....

Next weekend I have Saturday off - I have a 10k (6.2 miles) that I'm running in the morning, and so I got the whole day off.  I'm excited.  My paycheck will suck pond water, but having a day off will be even better.

Night 18A - Friday night

In the deep introspection of losing Jobs #1 & 3, I totally forgot to report about the Twilight 5k that I ran last night!

Ok, first of all, remember that I had such a crappy, crappy day yesterday.  Not just because of what happened ON the job, but because of the whole day in general.  I got home after I got off all 3 jobs, and my kids are being turds...urg!  So I was actually pretty excited that I was going to go on a run.

I don't normally run in the evenings - at all!  I'm tired from working, and although it SOUNDS like a good release, it also keeps me up late because of the adrenaline rush.  When I work out, I'm getting ready for my day, so in the evening if I do anything, it's only Yoga or walking to keep my HR where it should be.

So I asked my husband if he wanted me to stay - he just got home as I was trying to head out the door.  (He had a crappy day too, and it was going to be worse this weekend - 4 of his support people were off this weekend, and that means he'll be 5 people. Not good...)  I thought he might want me to stay and be the supportive wife.  Nope - he told me that I needed the run and get outta there! ;-)

So I did.

The weather was PERFECT for the race - cloudy, breezy and great!  (But the clouds matched my mood.)  I tripped over a railroad tie, and hoped it wouldn't affect me (which it did...just a bit).  And right as the race started, my iPod craps out on me.  Great - hurting ankle, no tunes...CRAP!!!  And I just wasn't "into" it, ya know?  But I was resigned to finish, and just DO IT!

So I did.

I was pleased that everyone I had passed along the way stayed behind me.  I'm not a FAST jogger, but I have endurance - even on the crappy runs!  There was a gal that I was toggling with off and on, but by mile 2.5, I had well surpassed her.

Also within mile 2, I met up with a gal who wanted to talk.  Not my favorite thing, but friendly thing to do.  She commented on how fast I walked (when I take a short jogging break), and so we talked for 0.10 of a mile.  She was smaller than me (read: skinnier) and said she had only run on the treadmill, and talked about her goal of doing all 3.1 miles in 32 min.  I asked her "do you realize that's about a 10 -10 1/2  min mile average?  (I didn't want to burst her bubble because it was clear we wouldn't be making it.)  And she said "oh, I didn't realize!"  And I told her it's a good goal to work towards! ;-)

Finally, by mile 2.5 I was feeling pretty good.  I didn't care about my PR because of my crappy day, but I finished strong.  Finish time: 35:19

Had to laugh...I PR'd by 1 SECOND!  My hubby & I had a good laugh over that. 

However, as noted, I didn't sleep very well last night - tossing and turning.  I don't know if it's from the race, or the worries.  I need to start doing yoga at night....or SOMETHING!

My typical post-race picture:
Bib number (with time written on it),
the tshirt and shoes I ran in.

Close up - bib, date, time.  Beat my PR by ONE SECOND!
How do you like them apples? LOL

Day 18A - Friday

Oh crap.  Don't you hate it when you don't get up when you PLAN on getting up?

Yep, that was the start to my morning. Crap.

I wasn't late for my getting-ready-for-work morning, but I totally missed my workout.  And yes, I was actually LOOKING FORWARD to working out today because I have a Twilight 5k tonight, and knew that this morning would be pretty low-key because of it.  CRAP.

So right now I'm getting all my stuff ready for the day, getting my race stuff out, etc.  I'm excited and nervous for this 5k.  I've not ever run a race at night, and I'm NOT a person who works out at night.  After a LONG day, I just have NO energy.  And yes, I have all 3 jobs today!  Luckily for me, it's early release at school, Friday is typically low numbers at the day care, and although I have a lot of errands to run at lunch time, I actually HAVE a "lunch time" today.  (I'm off at 11:30 from school, and don't have to be work at the bible bookstore until 2. YAY!)  So maybe a walk in the park will be warranted!

*********************************************

Ok, so my crappy morning turned into a crappy day.  Dealt with daycare crap ALL DAY LONG.  An employee needing to leave to catch her dog that got out, another needing to leave to transport kids....all before the "school" part of my day even started!

And then the mother of it all...my boss I think finally resolved the fact that she just can NOT keep going like this.  She's made too many bad business decisions in the past, and she's not going to be able to recoop from it (financially).  So I think she's UNofficially decided to close the doors the last week of school.  When she told me, I was taking it pretty well, but as my mind dwelt upon it, I started freaking out - almost panic-attack like!  I know that I had already made the decision NOT to do Job #3 this summer (working as the daycare manager), and Job #1 would be done (teaching).  However, I always felt that since I didn't put in my notice about that yet, that I could fall back on that option.  NOW I CAN'T!  AND I'M FREAKING OUT!

I always, always know that God will provide for me.  It's head knowledge for me, but not HEART knowledge.  It's like people learning about Faith - faith isn't what you see - it's about believing in what you DON'T see.  I know that this is a test for me.  I've had to rely on God's provisions this past year when I took a job that pays only 1/3 of my public school teacher salary.  I've had to trust that He would provide for my family and help us through; He most certainly has!  Times have been tough, but we've certainly been making it (with much angst, worry and strife on my part).  I know He's calling me to TRUST HIM - even more than I have had to in the past because now he's taking away my "Plan B."  I've always had a Plan B (or C) that is my no-fail plan.  Now I don't.  As of June 5th, I'm down to ONE part-time job.

And oh yes, I feel the relief at the same time I feel the worry.  I already know that my home is suffering because I don't have the time to dedicate to it, my family and all that NEEDS (and deserves) my attention.  Dinners are leftovers (more times than not), and crappy hamburger helper vs. a real dinner I've made from scratch.  My daughter is STOKED because I purposely took off tomorrow morning to see her last soccer game.  In the past I've always, ALWAYS gone to every game, and this season tomorrow will be my first and last one I go to.   :-(   My children deserve to have their mom rooting for them.  My husband deserves to have his wife at home waiting for him.  And I haven't been.  So that IS the relief I feel - I WILL be here, and it will help.

But yes, that worry, stress and angst is back - bigger than ever.

But I really looked introspectively into the situation - why is this SO devistating to me? I figured it out (I think)...

I base my worth off of what I can do...and when I can't provide, I feel like a ZERO.

I'm NOT a ZERO - I know I shouldn't feel that way, I know my husband would be so upset that I think of myself that way, but I do.  And it's not healthy.  Now I know how men feel when they can't provide financially for their families; how low they feel - and it's not pretty.  I feel like since I can't contribute, what good am I?  Oh man, that's not good!

So in the next few days I'm going to be doing a lot of PRAYING and talkin' with God. Not only for His PEACE, but His DIRECTION and for His WISDOM.  Not only about WHAT I should do, but HOW I should do it, and WHY I base my worth off of WORKS.

So is this a sign that I need to work on my BeachBody coaching?  I do think so. 

I need to have a job where I can be wife and mom over EVERYTHING - even teaching.  So Deb - watch out, here I come! 

Day 17A - Thursday

Oh my stinkin' gosh!  Just when I think life has smoothed out... NOPE!  Today I ran my butt off at Job #1/#2.  And just a little venting here: when your boss has asked you to cover her class a MULTITUDE of times during the week, you would think that she would cover MY class for a 1/2 hour when I'm trying to cover for 2 daycare staff who are late from a dr.'s appt, and one who had to transport kids from elementary school!  But NOOOOOO....!  I had to cover those 2 spots, my class AND hers!  (sorry for the rant...I'm done, nothing that can be done about it now.)  My husband said "I just can't wait for you to get out of there."  Hear, hear!  Can't wait for June 5th - last day of school!

And yes, I had Job #3 immediately after school, but in comparison, 2.5 hrs. at a low-key bible bookstore is NOTHING in comparison!  Granted, I wanted to BE at home (since hubby gets off at 4:00 on Thursdays), but compare that to the chaos at Job 1/2....as Visa would say...."priceless."

Workout:
Short treadmill time: 36 min, 276 calories

Day 16A - Wednesday

Just another working day...until I got home!  Spent 3 hours on the garage roof helping hubby put on the shingles for 1 side.  He's spent the last 2 days (yesterday & today) on and off with the patchy weather trying to get the old stuff off, and the new stuff on.  Well, not only was his horrible blister (and legs, and back!) barking at him, but then he had the Princess' student-led conference to attend to.  So it was up to me and the boys (my son and his son) to get as much done as we could.  I know my husband was frustrated because the boys were learning, and not doing it to the standard that he wanted...which meant slower and there were a few "re-dos."  But I remember as a kid being scared of making a mistake because my dad would just yell at me and didn't understand why I couldn't do it just like him.  (Really??)  So I tried to not continue that down our generational tree.  They did well.  Not professional, but hey - we got Matt (his son) on the ROOF!  And he's scared of HEIGHTS! Yay!

I may not have done a "workout" yesterday, but at the end of the day, I felt good about what was accomplished.

Day 15A - Tuesday

Well, I only woke up once last night (surprise after my 3 hr. nap yesterday afternoon)!  I was a bit panicky about being able to go back to sleep, but I did, and since I walked yesterday, I allowed this morning to be my off/sleep in morning.

Eating, it was a CRAPPY day.  I craved JUNK and gave in. :-(  By dinnertime, I was NOT feeling peachy, and by bedtime, I was READY to go to bed and start over tomorrow!  I'm totally ready to jump back on that cleanse!!!  Here's to a better tomorrow!

Day 14A - Monday

I'm exhausted - I've been up since 2am.  I am one of those people who have serious sleep issues.  I don't have any problems GETTING to sleep, but staying asleep is a different story.  It never fails - between 2-3am I wake up...usually with stuff on my mind...and can't get back to sleep.  After our short date night last night, my hubby tried to talk me into a movie, and I just couldn't - I was tired already.  And usually I take an over-the-counter sleep med, and that REALLY helps.  But as I was laying in bed (hubby already snoring), I thought..."oops - I forgot my sleep med."  But thinking because I've been really active, I've had a lot of fresh air lately, and I was already tired, I would probably sleep through the night - no prob, right??

WRONG.

2am came, my eyes opened.  I tried to read, I took Melatonin (which never works, but I thought I'd try anyway), and so when about 4:50 showed up on the clock, I figured I might as well make the most of it and at least do something resembling a workout....  But I'm wiped, no energy, but at least I walked on the treadmill.  Just a bit of speed walking, nothing too over-the-top.  At least I pushed "go."

Workout (if you could call it that):
57 minutes, 445 calories

...later...

Well, the day got worse before it got better. 

I just couldn't function at work - I couldn't focus, and when I don't get enough sleep I have that "I really gotta puke, but can't" feeling in my gut.  So I went home at lunch.

Hubby apparently didn't understand that I was coming home early because I didn't feel good!  He took me out to lunch (aw) and I about fell asleep at the table.  Then he took me home (finally!) and tucked me into bed.  He layed with me for a bit until the kids started coming home.  I think spending that little extra time with him was almost as beneficial as the sleep.

I slept for 3 hours!  When I woke up I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to sleep that night, but I felt SO much better! So we ended up staying up a bit late so that I could finally sleep.  But I didn't take any chances...I made sure to take that OTC sleeping aid! :)

Day 13A - Sunday - CLEANSE DAY 3

I just have to say that I'm FULL of it (!) today!  (It meaning energy...OF COURSE!)  I woke up feeling GREAT and got a 5+mile run in BEFORE CHURCH!  I'm feeling GREAT!   This cleanse is killing my sugar/white flour cravings, and I LOVE that!  I'm bummed that I had to put a bit of ground beef on my salad last night (instead of white meat), but it was a must for 7:30pm last night, and my cupboards were BARE.  But today is grocery shopping day, and I'm going to pick up some more chicken, fish, etc.  Now that the spring weather is staying pretty consistant (decent), I'm really craving LIGHT meals, and this Shakeology cleanse is going GREAT with that.  I just can't rave enough about it!  I think I need to do this at least once a month???  Not sure... 

Pre-Workout: E2, apple cider vinegar, Vit-C packet, metamucil and Gatorade on the run. (Anything over 3 miles I put in electrolytes.)

Breakfast: Tropical Shakeology with strawberries, 1/2 scoop of Van. Whey protein, green tea, ice & water

AM Snack:  none - was at church

Lunch: Chocolate Shakeology with 1/2 scoop of Whey Protein, water, coffee & ice.  (It was like a healthy frappacino!) lol

PM Snack:  almonds (needed a boost) and a few grapes

Dinner: well, consider the cleanse done...Hubby took me out on a short date night.  We had Chinese.  Although honestly, about 1/2 way through it, I started feeling sick!  I don't know if it was because I wasn't used to eating like THAT for the last 2 days, or what?!?!?

Workout:
5.18 miles, 735 calories (booh-yah!), 68 minutes (with cool down).
P.S. coulda gone for so much more, but I had to get back home and get ready for church.  I am going to ROCK the Twilight 5k on the 20th, and so ready for the 10k on the 28th! WAHOO!

Day 12A - Saturday - CLEANSE DAY 2

Yesterday was really hard in the afternoon on my cleanse.  Only because Friday is cooking day for my class, and I was teaching them how to make Monkey Bread.  Which (if you're unfamiliar) is frankly just white flour, sugar, butter, cinnamon and brown sugar.  It's ewey-gooeyness and great for a breakfast treat.  Of course I chose this torture BEFORE I chose to do the cleanse, and although torturous, it was a great feeling knowing that I had all-the-more reason to decline.  It's not good for you in the first place, let alone on a cleanse.

Pre-workout:  E2 (energy/vitamin drink), Vit C, Apple cider vinegar & Metamucil

Breakfast: Tropical Shakeology with 1/2 scoop of Whey Protein Powder, Strawberries, and green tea, with water & ice

AM Snack:  none :-(  Too busy

Lunch: Greenberry Shakeology with green tea, water, and 1/2 scoop of Protein powder

Snack: (starving!) Apple and some yams - should have had my 3rd shakeology, but I was at work and had NO time!

Dinner:  Dinner was at 7:30pm (not good), and I was already starving!  When I went to the fridge to get out the cooked chicken (from last night's leftovers), I found that my KIDS ATE THEM! URG!  So I had to put on leftover ground beef.  I know that we're supposed to refrain from red meat, but with hubby heading to bed at 8pm, I either had to have a blah salad (which I couldn't - I was HUNGRY!) or go with the substitute meat.  NUTS!

The cleanse itself isn't hard!  The only "hard" part today was I was at work for most of it, and in retail when it's busy, it's BUSY and I couldn't get back to the break room to actually MAKE the shake!  I had cut up yams from the night before, so it was easy to slip a bite here and there - same with the apple.  Oh well, they are fruit/veggie, so it's good.

I don't usually weigh myself during my period - it's just a bad idea.  But I snuck one in....I still weigh 188.4!!  (ok, the weight is still high, and it hasn't moved, but during my period, I gain/lose about 5+ lbs all in about 5-7 days.  Dang water weight!)  I'm really looking forward to the next weigh in, believe it or not!

I think I'm going to try to take this through Day 4.  I have a feeling that hubby is going to try to take me out on a date night tonight after work, and since we haven't had one in WEEKS (!) - since Tim Hawkins in Tri-Cities - I can't say no. We're in BAD NEED of one.  But maybe I can convince him to wait until MONDAY night...lol...

Workout:
Treadmill:  1 hour, 551 calories

I'm off my calorie burn goal for the week by about 600 calories.  Ouch.  That's because my Saturday workout wasn't as long, and I didn't workout Mon - Wed.  That pre-period days really caught up with me.  I'm hoping that the lack of calories during this cleanse will help offset that.

Day 11A - Friday - CLEANSE DAY 1

Yep, yep...another restless night.  I was cramping pretty bad (odd for day 2 of my period), and then my back was killing me from the Turbo Jam workout last night.  (That's a good problem to have, right?)  So I popped ibuprofen a few times last night and managed to get a few winks. 

So it was pretty hard to wake up when the alarm went off...but I DID!  When I jogged, it was a SLOW jog, and I had a lot more walking spurts in there, but I got up, and I "hit play" (so to speak).

Workout:
Treadmill: 47 min, 415 calories.

I HAVE JUST MADE A GREAT DECISION:  I AM DOING THE 3 DAY SHAKEOLOGY CLEANSE!

I don't know what just hit me today, because I've been looking at the 3 day cleanse poster that Deb posted on Facebook for about 3 days now....  And I know the group has been talking about the difference between the new Reset vs. the Cleanse.  I just can't do the Reset right now.  As much as I would really like to "reset" my insides, I just can't NOT exercise for 21 days. (Uh-oh...a HUGE teacher mistake...just used a double-negative...)  Nope, not an option.  And I understand the basis for it.  But on a Cleanse, I can, so I will! :0)

Pre-workout: E2 energy drink, Metamucil & Vit-C mix (not on cleanse - just part of my regemin)
Breakfast: Tropical Shakeology with strawberries & banana
AM Snack: apple
Lunch: Greenberry Shakeology mixed with Green tea, 1/2 scoop of protein powder and WATER!
(I had to add the protein powder - I needed the extra OOMPH!)  Or so I thought...because I never got in my third Shakeology...I was at job #2 and not only didn't have time for it, but never felt hungry.  I LOVE THIS!
Dinner:  Chicken salad with romaine and spinach leaves.  I did add some Yams - with NOTHING on them but nutmeg & cinnamon.  I figured that it was still a veggie, but no added sugar.

I'M TOTALLY ROCKING THIS CLEANSE!  LOVE, LOVE, LOVE IT! CAN'T WAIT FOR DAY #2!

Day 10A - Happy Birthday, Princess!

First of all, Happy Birthday to my husband's daughter...whom I've nicknamed "THE PRINCESS!"  (She would HATE that I put that in pink.  Heck, she would hate to know that I even REFER to her as a Princess!)

And by the way....I'm patting myself on the back....

One of the reasons why she's the Princess in our house is because our household rules do NOT apply to her Royal Teenageness.  (Which kills me.)  One of the rules she breaks A LOT (and did so again yesterday) was that I want FULL loads of laundry done in our washer, and now we have a clothesline.  So when the weather is good - they get hung.  But not for HER!  She does not like to "mix" her clothes with others' clothing, so my husband turns a blind eye and allows her to do a medium (or whatever size) load.  I have an easy solution:  bring clothes from her mom's house to clean or take her stinkin' clothes to her MOM's!  (Yes, I don't care if she washes the clothes from her mom's house here at our home.  Just use the FULL load!!!!)  And because she doesn't like to use the clothesline, she does her laundry on crappy (weather) days, so she can have them dried in the dryer.  (She's not a dumb child.) 

So instead of bringing it up AGAIN and creating an issue AGAIN (with my husband), I let it go....

Why?  Because I need to pick and choose my battles with her, and preserve the peace I have with my husband.  We will never see 100% eye to eye on her.

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On the "good news," I did wake up (although a bit later than I'd like) and got in a short workout!  Yay!

Workout:
Turbo Jam Cardio: 32 min, 333 calories

Not a lot of "burn," but I'm still pretty tired.  But I hit PLAY! :-)

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...later...

Well, the kids have gone back to their mom's after the Princess' bday, and I have to say, it went VERY well.  I don't know if the Princess is behaving because of her bday...(?) or is she FINALLY maturing a bit?!?!  I truly hope and pray it's on the mature side.  It's a very nice and welcome change...