Day 18A - Friday

Oh crap.  Don't you hate it when you don't get up when you PLAN on getting up?

Yep, that was the start to my morning. Crap.

I wasn't late for my getting-ready-for-work morning, but I totally missed my workout.  And yes, I was actually LOOKING FORWARD to working out today because I have a Twilight 5k tonight, and knew that this morning would be pretty low-key because of it.  CRAP.

So right now I'm getting all my stuff ready for the day, getting my race stuff out, etc.  I'm excited and nervous for this 5k.  I've not ever run a race at night, and I'm NOT a person who works out at night.  After a LONG day, I just have NO energy.  And yes, I have all 3 jobs today!  Luckily for me, it's early release at school, Friday is typically low numbers at the day care, and although I have a lot of errands to run at lunch time, I actually HAVE a "lunch time" today.  (I'm off at 11:30 from school, and don't have to be work at the bible bookstore until 2. YAY!)  So maybe a walk in the park will be warranted!

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Ok, so my crappy morning turned into a crappy day.  Dealt with daycare crap ALL DAY LONG.  An employee needing to leave to catch her dog that got out, another needing to leave to transport kids....all before the "school" part of my day even started!

And then the mother of it all...my boss I think finally resolved the fact that she just can NOT keep going like this.  She's made too many bad business decisions in the past, and she's not going to be able to recoop from it (financially).  So I think she's UNofficially decided to close the doors the last week of school.  When she told me, I was taking it pretty well, but as my mind dwelt upon it, I started freaking out - almost panic-attack like!  I know that I had already made the decision NOT to do Job #3 this summer (working as the daycare manager), and Job #1 would be done (teaching).  However, I always felt that since I didn't put in my notice about that yet, that I could fall back on that option.  NOW I CAN'T!  AND I'M FREAKING OUT!

I always, always know that God will provide for me.  It's head knowledge for me, but not HEART knowledge.  It's like people learning about Faith - faith isn't what you see - it's about believing in what you DON'T see.  I know that this is a test for me.  I've had to rely on God's provisions this past year when I took a job that pays only 1/3 of my public school teacher salary.  I've had to trust that He would provide for my family and help us through; He most certainly has!  Times have been tough, but we've certainly been making it (with much angst, worry and strife on my part).  I know He's calling me to TRUST HIM - even more than I have had to in the past because now he's taking away my "Plan B."  I've always had a Plan B (or C) that is my no-fail plan.  Now I don't.  As of June 5th, I'm down to ONE part-time job.

And oh yes, I feel the relief at the same time I feel the worry.  I already know that my home is suffering because I don't have the time to dedicate to it, my family and all that NEEDS (and deserves) my attention.  Dinners are leftovers (more times than not), and crappy hamburger helper vs. a real dinner I've made from scratch.  My daughter is STOKED because I purposely took off tomorrow morning to see her last soccer game.  In the past I've always, ALWAYS gone to every game, and this season tomorrow will be my first and last one I go to.   :-(   My children deserve to have their mom rooting for them.  My husband deserves to have his wife at home waiting for him.  And I haven't been.  So that IS the relief I feel - I WILL be here, and it will help.

But yes, that worry, stress and angst is back - bigger than ever.

But I really looked introspectively into the situation - why is this SO devistating to me? I figured it out (I think)...

I base my worth off of what I can do...and when I can't provide, I feel like a ZERO.

I'm NOT a ZERO - I know I shouldn't feel that way, I know my husband would be so upset that I think of myself that way, but I do.  And it's not healthy.  Now I know how men feel when they can't provide financially for their families; how low they feel - and it's not pretty.  I feel like since I can't contribute, what good am I?  Oh man, that's not good!

So in the next few days I'm going to be doing a lot of PRAYING and talkin' with God. Not only for His PEACE, but His DIRECTION and for His WISDOM.  Not only about WHAT I should do, but HOW I should do it, and WHY I base my worth off of WORKS.

So is this a sign that I need to work on my BeachBody coaching?  I do think so. 

I need to have a job where I can be wife and mom over EVERYTHING - even teaching.  So Deb - watch out, here I come!