Sometimes when I'm on the treadmill, I watch episodes of the "Biggest Loser" on my iTouch. I'm a pretty big fan of the show, and it always provides me with motivation - if 300/400+ lb people can work their butts off day in and day out, then I can move my butt too!
Now I know it's TV - it may be a "reality show," but let's face it, NBC certainly likes to hike up the drama! (What station doesn't?) However, sometimes when the inner battles come out, that's when I really relate. That tends to happen a lot.
However, today, there was a comment out of the blue that really hit home. Here's the situation: Season 11, Episode 4. Middle of the show, each of the trainers (Bob, Anna and Duvett) had a BL Alumni show up to help them motivate each of their teams. For Bob's team, Hannah from Season 10 showed up.
Now, here's a disclaimer: I haven't seen ALL of Season 10 yet! I'm watching it upstairs on Netflix when I do step aerobics! (funny how I always have to be moving when I watch that show!) But I already know that her sister Olivia wins the season, and she's the runner up.
But that's not what got to me. One of the current contestants commented: "Now THAT is my goal. To know that she used to look like me (200+lbs), and now she looks like that, I finally believe that I might be able to do it too." Cue the tears....
...my tears....
I guess that's HUGE for me too!
My story....
I very well could be a BL contestant too. My highest weight has been 218 (that wasn't even during a pregnancy, sadly), and a size 18/20. I promised myself at the time that I was not going to reach 220, and out of 18/20. (Which my clothes were hardly holding me, I really should have been a solid 20.)
But that's not the beginning of my story. See, like so many on BL, I've always been "the big girl." Not really overly obese, only because I was on soccer team after soccer team growing up. I got a decent amount of exercise, and lived the in time frame where our parents actually SENT US OUTSIDE TO PLAY! (Imagine that!) But as high school went on, and sports became less fun, and more competitive, I wasn't able to be as lithe as the smaller girls. I HATED, ABHORED running, and would do anything to get out of it. So as my teen years continued on, and sports started to slack, I gained the lbs. I clearly remember going from a size 10 to a size 12 in my teenage years, and was just appalled. My friends didn't wear sizes like that! (Now I look back and wish I could still fit in a 12!) But for a teenage girl, it was horrible.
So life continued on. At 19 I became pregnant with child #1 and ate like there was also child #2 AND #3 inside! :) But afterwards, it was no laughing matter. The boy only weighed 6 lbs, 4 oz, but I had gained near 80 lbs!
So when he was pretty young (about 2), I remember going on the Atkins diet. I knew early on that I was addicted to white flour, white sugar, and somehow, someway I needed to break that cycle. I lost over 60 lbs in four short months, but I hated the diet. I have never been a big "meat eater" - we grew up pretty poor, and "meat" in the house was usually tuna or chicken. So eating a lot of taco salads got pretty boring, although I can't say that I minded all the bacon! But it wasn't just the diet, I finally got active again. I was biking my son to daycare, and myself to work on nice days, and joined the work softball team (where I met my first husband). I LOVED being active again, and yes, I felt good and really started LOOKING good! I don't remember my exact weight, but I was in the mid to high 160's, and I thought if I didn't get any lower, I would be ok.
But "diets" never last, do they?
So I met my then-boyfriend/future husband, and I did what I knew best: tried to love him through his stomach. It worked, and as I got married, started gaining the lbs. right back. I thought he loved me for me, and although it's truly a different topic, I found out that he truly feel in love with my son. He's a great kid, and my ex really wanted to be a good dad for him, but I was the "baggage." And so food was my best friend for me again...
2003 was the year of the divorce, and quickly afterwards I was looking for a Christian man who would "love me for me - the inside me." And not worry about the extra layers of "me" that surrounded the "inside me." I dated a couple of guys and one relationship ended horribly, and ended in pregnancy.
This time I did NOT eat for 3 or 4 babies, but I wasn't overly careful. I was more stressed out with being newly divorced, pregnant (and a single mom) yet AGAIN, trying to finish up school (to be a teacher) and still trying to work all at the same time. Food was always a comfort when husband, boyfriend, family and friends were not. I vowed to stay away from men, focus on raising my children and work on me on the inside....
Child #2 was born mid-2004, and more determination to work on the "inner me" in regards to relationships (because frankly, I was pickin' bad ones!) and raising my kids than working out the physical me. And over time, that changed. I noticed that my son had my "big German build" disposition, and I didn't want him fighting the same battle. So although financially poor, I really tried to feed my kids healthy meals, and be active. He's been in football, t-ball through baseball, Tae Kwan Do, etc. etc. My daughter (although more the cheerleader than athlete type) has also done soccer and baseball.
But fast forward to about early 2008 when I was about to hit 220; my ultimate high. I felt God working in me in ways that I hadn't known. I was unsettled with my outside again. I wasn't looking to date; I was clear with God on that, and vowed next time HE would choose for me. But I was ready to work on the outside of me.
What I didn't know was at the time, God was setting me up for a way to deal with stress in a way that I've never done before. Instead of turning to food and internally taking it all in, He wanted me to start DEALING with the baggage - the stress, the hurt feelings, the sadness and tears. Because in 2008, my mom, my best friend was diagnosed with Lung Cancer.
I cannot tell you how this diagnosis rocked my world. Although my mom and I had a rocky relationship in my teens and early 20's, being wiser (and not a stupid young adult), I had finally matured, and she was my best friend. When my dad wasn't taking care of her, I was. Especially through the summer, since I had it off as a teacher. And I took sick leave and all my vacation days to help take her to chemo, radiation, and just simply spend time with her. In the back of my head, I KNEW she would not survive this; the cancer was spreading too fast. But how I was dealing with it was different. I didn't have a LOT of "me" time left (between taking care of the kids and mom - and she lived 50 min from us at the time), but I didn't EAT my way to comfort. I walked, rode my stationary bicycle, etc. I think the stress was still killing me, but it was better than what I was doing before.
My mom survived a year with the diagnosis, and at 4am on Nov. 12, 2009 she passed away. I battled my grief with running. Jogged a very slow first 5-K with my brother (who was in town for the funeral) that month, and haven't looked back ever since.
In January 2010 I signed up with Team in Training for my first half marathon. I was working through my grief, and getting in shape at the same time. I never got below the 180's, and I wasn't as "trim" as I was on Atkins, but I felt GOOD!! I loved being active, but the training for half marathons were rigiorous, and hard on my overweight body, and I dealt with a lot of foot issues, but still worked on!
June 25, 2010 I did my first half marathon in Seattle, (it was ugly, but that's another story) and finished just shy of 4 hours. I did the Nike Women's Marathon that October in about the same time (I was coaching a friend through it), and as that friendship fell apart, I drifted away from running, and gained the lbs.
However, new things were coming my way in the end of 2010. Although dealing with the loss of my friendship put me back into old, bad eating habits, I met my now-husband. Through 2011 I started eating better - to look better for him. I didn't weigh myself before I got married, but I figure I was in the high 180's. Married life, stress of moving and finding a job, step kids and new schedules help keep me away from exercise and although healthy foods, non-healthy portions got me to where I am now.
I didn't realize I was so close to 200 lbs again. It wasn't until my friend Deb challenged me with this challenge that I woke up again, and started doing the right things - one baby step at a time. First, the exercise. Next tracking food. NOW dealing with the "inner demons" again, and frankly, just working through it, and giving it to God.
I know there will be more breakdowns on the treadmill, and like the Biggest Loser contestants, I dread peeling away the layers, but I need to fix what got me here. Also on that episode, Bob Harper (the trainer - LOVE HIM!) said "there is NO FOOD that is 'off limits.' FOOD IS NOT YOUR ENEMY. There is a time and place for it, and portions that are appropriate. You are NOT on a diet, you are on a life journey." Preach it, Bob! I love that guy!
But I have to ADMIT to it, and track it in my food journal, and make accomodations along the way. Yes, I will stumble, and yes, life will happen. But I can't do this just purely because I want to look good and sexy for my husband, and not worry about that roll around my waist. I want to feel GOOD again. When I'm upset, RUN on the treadmill instead of RUNNING to food. And when I can't turn to my hubby, my best friend, turn to GOD who is the ULTIMATE best friend! HE will help me through it.
It's a struggle, but anything worth having is worth fighting for.
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